Unforgiveable Moments

I just saw this journal...
I can't explain what it did to me. Just bursting into my tears and go on and go on again.
Why I didn't do it to my father?
His father was so resembled to mine when admire his son and when he became excited of hearing his son's stories of success, I heard my father's laugh...

It was incredible and my feelings are not explainable...
Just I appreciate Phillip Teledano and envy him why I DID NOT THE SAME FOR MY FATHER?
Can some day I forgive myself to not be around him in the last moments?

My first Experience in Tutorials

My first tutorial sessions went on well much more than my own expectation. They are three sessions continuously and I have no time to breath among them!
In the first session, I sat behind the table, in the second session I walked in the class and in the third session, I sat on the table! So comfortable and leading the discussions in my desirable direction.

Deborah invited me to her solo painting exhibition today, unfortunately I couldn't make it.

Socialized Lesbian

I met a lesbian in the age of around 60 who is doing her PhD in Economics. When we were discussing about homosexuality, she disagreed that it is an innate and a natural tendency. She defined herself as a "socialized lesbian"! She is a lesbian just because she always works and communicates with women!
She said in the period of her life when she needed a partner, if she encountered a reliable wonderful man, she might be partner with him! "But there was no man to attract me but many women in my work place and social activities." She said. So, she became a lesbian in a surprisingly simple way!

P.S. In gender theories, it is described that homosexuality is an innate and a natural tendency in people! She was a counter example of this accepted theory and confirmed that whole the process has been totally social.

My Life Is Turning On Again

Long time not to write here.
Today should be registered in my life calender. My meeting with Deborah, seeing her paintings and talking to her for about 4 hours was aspiring to me.
She was one of those persons I really would love to be friend with. She is a successful painter, is establishing her own company on Women's Empowerment, writing her autobiography and an energetic woman with admiring laughters!
She said that I am smart and she admired the way I go through in my life. Then she asked me if I am interested I read her manuscripts of her before the publication!
She said she planned o get her book to two of her friends; one her partner (she is lesbian) and the other one friend who is working in a publication.
She said you can be the third one to read my book and get your comments on it.

She was one I could laugh with when we were talking in English! It was the first time I was talking in English with somebody else and I was able to communicate with her as much as to laugh! I told her this fact and she said it maight be because of our close energies.
She said I am a gifted and assured me I definitely will find my way on the life because I have never stopped and always have been active in choosing my way... She also admitted that I am a baby in my own age! and have a lot of time to discover more and more.

When I was coming back home, the weather was wonderful and I felt Deborah was a sign of kindness of the universe... I felt the process of kindness to me is starting and I felt that all green trees and wonderful weather are hugging me completely.
Thank you Deborah...

Job

Hello everyone,

I want to thank everyone for responding so articulately in regards to the ad. 7 people responded to the message put out on Craigslist. I did have in mind one position to help me with the work...I didn't anticipate so many people responding.

I know that a team atmosphere is much more fun and at the heart of the idea is a teambuilding system so it makes sense to make a team. There is plenty of work to be done so that is not an issue.

I have done a few online research projects before and it can be quite interesting to see what can happen. Because we are all in Vancouver we can incorporate both online and offline aspects....At the beginning though, most of the work will be online.

I have learned to take things a step at a time because there is much to learn and one of my conversational patterns has been to give too much information too quickly.

So we will proceed in Missions....and these missions break down into assignments.....when you complete the assignment you go to the next assignment. When all assignments are completed you completed the mission and go onto the next mission. How does this sound to you?

I know you have many questions and all will be answered over time. The first assignment is to create a communication forum and platform to get the assignments and have a place to learn, create and communicate together.

Some of you might drop out, others may come on board but essentially as long as you do the work you can stay in the project. The only thing I really stick to is participation. All work assignments are negotiable but you have to participate. It's not good for you, the team, or me to have people that are not really interested in what is going on. Its best to take your leave. But I ask you one thing...if you are going to drop out...you don't do so by not communicating...Communicate to the group that you are leaving and why you are doing so.

This is a research project and it is a research project in regards to how to do the research process itself. It will be quite different I am sure to what you are use to. It may press you. It may challenge you. I can guarantee you this will be a rich experience, good for the resume, and there are many future potentialities in regards to your career if you so choose.

I know there is not a lot of information about what you will be doing here but that will come...I am going to invite you all to a Wiki...the New Paradigm Toolkit Research Lab....which is quite dormant right now but that will change quickly with you involved. You can look around but don't take it as ready for action....we have much to fill in....

I will set up the space for this team to work in.....so you will be getting an email soon that will be an invitation to the lab.....

Welcome all of you....you responded to the call...let's see how amazing we can make this together.

This is an email I received from somebody advertised for a research assistant in writing a book on success!
I don't know what will happen.

I also received a response from another position as a media and communication assistant to go for interview. It's just 3-4 days I am searching for job!
Isn't it good?!

Intellectual Stuff

My GPA in this semester was 4.00 and the culmulative GPA was 3.92. I guess it is good result. I planned to submit my paper to the International Journal of Women's Studies but there are many problems on it which I haven't started to correct yet. The deadline is May 1st.

I feel vivid to write in the online newspaper. How much it is productive if in a collective activity, the individual's benefits fulfill. Just in this case, people will enjoy team working. This exactly what is happening to me about this newspaper. I am gradually enjoying writing in this new newspaper and I feel I like it.

I start approaching to the intellectual stuff again... By reading a new book. It was one of the few times I start a book and tried to taste every words and the meaning beyond the words not just reading quickly to know what will be happened at the end!

Disappointed

I submitted my last paper today. It was the last course in the Master of Women Studies...But I do not know why I do not feel I am released. I feel nothing is finished and maybe my great works has been started!
Unfortunately, my name was not in the lottery selection for travel bursary for intending in the Mexico International conference of IAMCR.
I am not sure I will afford to participate. Although it not a big deal from Canada to Mexico, I would prefer to travel to Iran if I have money especially it will be my sister's wedding. But I am pretty sure i won't have any money for such a big traveling from Vancouver to Tehran.

Storytelling

Julia Cruikshank a Canadian anthropologist says:

"social science is a form of storytelling, and the way we tell stories largely determines who will hear them."

I love this quotation!

Subtelities

This is my first painting after 12 years being far from colors, lines and shapes!

Female Body

I have a lot to say.
I am working on my thesis proposal. I would like to work on women's perception and interaction of female body. I would like to examine the case of Iranian women who were born in Iran and passed their childhood and teen ages in the Islamic context and them immigrated to Canada. I want to focus on the difference in their perception in female body. For completing my proposal, I am reading some stuff from Islam and Feminism, embodiment literature in Western tradition, contemporary Iran's history, colonialist feminist theories, etc. BUT none of them can articulate what I exactly expect of analyzing of female body. Today I get some books from the library about the philosophical perspective on embodiment and female body. I think this is what I desire of studying on female body. I should read philosophy more in this regard. I guess just in this case I can present some considerable analysis of the issue.
One of the main problems of interdisciplinary as Women's Studies, as I always mention, is the lack of powerful theoretical basis of the arguments. Programs as women's studies seem in designed more for action and social movements rather than producing knowledge. Although I am a omnipresent advocate of practice and action regarding to any abstract knowledge, it definitely does not mean that I am able to ignore the importance of theoretical and deep foundations of issues.

Anyway, I start reading:
1. The Body; Classic and Contemporary Reading. (1999) Edited by Donn Welton. This book includes writings of Husserl, Heidegger, Merleau-Ponty, Lacan, Foucault, Kristeva and Irigaray.
I am not sure I can deal with the philosophy in English language. I am scared a little bit. Will I understand?! I hope so.
2. Body and Flesh; A Philosophical Reader. Edited by the previous one!

P.S. I bought some painting supplements in order to start painting my old love in my life. I will put my paintings in the blog soon.
This is one of my new decisions. Take the art more seriously. It is the only effective way of impression :)

Busy Days

It is a long time I haven't been here to write.
1. My lovely course, Ethnography Methodology, is finished today and I had a presentation on Lila Abu-Lughod, a Palestinian- American feminist anthropologist. (How many labels!) This course was the best one in my Master. My prof was wonderful and made me so interested in Anthropology.

2. I talked to my senior supervisor and broaden my thesis topic a little bit. We agree on "Islam and Beautification; the case of immigrant women from Islamic countries". I like it more. The previous title was just about using cosmetics and my addressee was just Iranian women. I would like to examine the women who have raised in Islamic countries about embodiment and beautification and the effect of Islam principles.

3. There is a student conference is sponsored by a scholarly center in Middle East and Islamic studies in Vancouver. I will present my paper on "Female Narratives of Sex" on May 9.

4. My abstract for 27th international conference of IAMCR was accepted. This year conference will be held in Mexico in July. I applied for travel grant. If they offer me the grant, I will attend the conference. My spouse abstract was accepted too.
My abstract was about seeking different aspects of presented identity in Iranian women bloggers; I would like to focus on identity elements which are specifically related to the sexuality.

5. Friday will be the last session of my classes in Master in Canada. Then I should start to work on my thesis proposal quickly.

My spouse established an online newspaper and I start to write! I am pretty excited about writing again. Although it is in Persian, I am satisfied, because writing especially about Iran and the surroundings, help me to think about them more rational and also makes me to feel calm.

I finished "Veiled Sentiments" by Lila Abu-Lughod, an American Egyptian anthropologist. I liked the book. Her main interpretation is focused on sexuality and all about it in an Egyptian tribe.

I tried to grow Sabze for new year but unsuccessful!

I sent the first part of my work and Deborah was totally satisfied with it.

These Days

These days I am busy a little bit. I am working on the small job and I have finished half of it. I will send it to the boss(!) and get her feed backs. I hope she will be satisefied with my job.
I went to a concert last night for the first time in my life!
I am writing more on my Persian weblog. Today, I have an idea to write my "confessions" in my Persian blog. I don't know what I will do but sounds interesting for myself.

My instructor in my anthropology course is wonderful so that I decide to apply for Anthropology for PhD! She is great really. At this moment, I have read 9 full books and about 15 articles for this course without any pressure or sense of bothering...

Convincing in English!

Deborah, who I am starting my first work in Canada with, told me today: Do you know why I chose you for this position? There was a special self-confidence in your voice which I did not hear from other applicants'. Although English is not your first language, you could convince me that you are the best candidate for this position! Wow!
I said: I am always good at convincing people in my own language but I did not think I am able to do it in English too. She said: You did. I am working in the business and negotiation is my professional. You could convince me! You did it!
I became delighted! hahahahah!

First Job Position in Canada! Wow!

I received my first job offer in Canada as a research assistant!
Deborah, who is studying on empowering women in the North America decide to hire me today!
It was a job posting from the past week and because she mentioned that call me for phone interviewing, at first I gave this email up and thought oh my God, who can answer to some questions by phone and in English?! But, suddenly, last night I decided to send me resume to her email. She called me at the morning, though I didn't put my phone number! She said as I review your resume you seem qualified. Tell me about your research interests and what you have done. I said I have presented three papers in international conferences...
When she was explaining about the research and the qualified candidate for the position, she mentioned it is very important the candidate is able to search very well in order to gathering some data. I said I have an experience in this regard when I was working as a chief consultant in a news agency where my exact responsibility was searching for appropriate related organizations in order to be connected with them, negotiate with them for fundraising and assistance to hold some workshops for regional journalists...
When she said the core of the research is the empowerment of women in the North America, I described about my experience in empowering some Iranian housewives for writing in their local publication...
She asked me how old are you? When I answered I am 27, she was surprised and said that I seemed more mature according to the resume. I said if you live in Iran and desire to progress, you have to work hard and really run!

She called me around 1 p.m and said: I decide to hire you. Congratulations!
So, I will start my first Canadian experience as a research assist in the field which I am really interested and curious about with $20 per hour!
Sounds great and unbelievable. I planed after finishing this semester I go for working even as a volunteer to gain some Canadian job experience.
Better than I expected

My New Love!

I finally bought a new laptop for myself! It's the first "new" laptop we have ever bought, indeed it is the third laptop we have bought but both two previous was second-handed. It's an Acer Aspire model with 8.9 inches screen! It's so funny, I particularly love the small nice white keyboard which encourage me to type always! It is also the first big purchase in Canada via Internet. I was totally satisfied with online shopping. I actually love this new sweet creature!

I have discovered www.digg.com recently and I am addicted to it.

I finally completed my PhD proposal. It just needs some edits nothing more. I hope I can submit it before Norouz but I don't think it will be approved before the Iranian year. Anyway, the topic is approved, I will be relieved!

Full of Disgust

When I was living in Iran, especially in the recent years, my mind was full of disgust and I could not behave or judge in a logical way. Everything made me nervous and angry; in the street, in my work, in shopping, in traffic, in television shows, in news broadcasting… I just was frustrated so much… I just wanted to escape… I felt that everything in this country is created just to bother people heavily… the religion, the government, the cars, the veiling, the polluted air, the traffic jammed, the stupid president, the dictator supreme leader, the foolish Cabinet, the university, the professors and all and all… Everything for torturing you…
So, at first I decided to escape to somewhere just to “breathe” for a while and then “create” some reasons for my immigration!
I am here but my disgust is not finished yet... Unfortunately...

Not OUR Language

Even when we are talking in our mother tongue, the “pressure” of translation in English never leave us alone! Indeed, the shadow of English language as a language which is not “ours”, which is “weird” to us and which is “far” from us, imposes its existence heavily in the entire context of our conversation.

Notes on Love in a Tamil Family

The book I am reading in recent two weeks is Notes on Love in a Tamil Family by Margaret Trawick. She lived for a time in the midst of one large South Indian family and sought to understand the multiple and mutually shared expressions of love. This family performed before the young anthropologist's eyes the meaning of love through poetry and conversation, through the not always gentle raising of children, through the weaving of kinship tapestries, through erotic exchanges among women, among men, and across the great sexual boundary. She communicates with grace and insight what she learned from this Tamil family, and we discover that love is no less universal than selfishness and individualism.

What I am looking for is that how the anthropologist expresses herself through telling the story of her research. In this case, the author explains that her approach to the study of this feeling has been through feeling. “I have tried throughout the course of my research and writing to remain honest, clear-headed, and open-minded, and to follow the dictates of reason and empirical observation in my descriptions and analyses of the events I have sought to comprehend. But I have not attempted to be "objective" in the common sense of this term. I have never pretended to be disinterested or uninvolved in the lives of my informants, and I have never set my own feelings aside. Only by heeding them have I been able to learn the lessons that I try, in this volume, to pass on.”

Then she presents Western expectations of India which are included some stereotypes as India is "more spiritual" than the West, its people "impoverished," "non materialistic," "fatalistic," and "other-worldly," its society structured according to a "rigid caste hierarchy," its women "repressed" and "submissive," its villagers "tradition-bound" and "past-oriented," their behavior ordered by "rituals" and constrained by "rules" of "purity" and "pollution."

Then she confesses that one thing she had learned in India was that “these words are just words, our words, to refer to certain scattered events occurring in South Asia. The propositions they imply are partial truths, half truths, and anyone going to India who expects all of Indian life to confirm to them will find herself merely deluded and confused. It would almost be better, I think, if we could abandon such words, all those words that imply explanation and understanding of such a large place as India.”

She has tried, anyway, in her own narrative not to lean on such words too much. Another interesting thing for me is that how the anthropologist as a woman, compare herself to other women whom she is working and studying on them. She expresses about this concern: “The women I knew there, for instance, were more aggressive than me, more openly sexual than me, more free in their criticisms of their men than me. Here in America I often get in trouble for arguing, losing my temper, speaking my mind.”
She honestly discloses herself in her book when she talks about one of her Indian women friend’s question: "is it your habit to bow and defer to everyone?" She confesses that:

My personality in Tamil Nadu was no more sweet and obliging than it is in America; if anything, I was more short-tempered there. As for Anni, she was milder than many Tamil women I knew indeed, she was known for her patient and loving nature. But when she accused me, through her question, of excessive deference, she was not being sarcastic. Compared to her, I was a little mouse. The notion of the repressed and submissive Indian woman simply did not apply to the people among whom I lived-and yet in some ways it did. Anni would not have been Anni without her fidelity to her men and her ability to endure hardship for their sake, to do without while they did with. She was proud of these qualities of hers and wore them fiercely. They entitled her to speak freely and to walk with her head held high...."

Hidden

Here, I have encountered many house where they don't have any curtain and at nights you can see inside of the house!
It is amazing to me! and totally different from my nurturing up in a country where people cover all windows with heavy curtains... There were a lot to hide...